We are afraid. We fear, all of us, each and single one of us fear. The point is what do we fear from and i guess we fear from commitment. Now, commitment does not necessarily mean commitment to a relationship but it can be anything and anyone. We are afraid of committing ourselves. Though i wonder why? What is it about commitment that i, as an individual or us as human beings are afraid of. Why do we run a mile away from commitment? many things pop into my head but its all mixed up and i think, is commitment actually so dreadful. For many of us including yours truly commitment in a relationship is a thing we cant even imagine about. i just cant commit to a person, however i do expect them to be committed to me. The notion of being attached to one person scares me, its not that am a man eater on the prowl looking for various men and it is the same situation for many men out there, but the fear of stagnating , the fear of being tied down, of getting bored. however, there are people who dont fear to commit to a person and a freind of mine has been happily committed to her boyfreind for four years and even though its not always been smooth sailing its been good for them, but for people like her, that is my frined she ferars commitmnet to work. As i said before commitmnet has various connotations and for many like her she just cant work at one place for long. i think the fear of Commitment stems from attention deficit disorder but hey, thats just me, and i know many would disagree with me but hear me out. We dont commit becasue we are afraid of being tied to one place or person and we get restless and we lose attention and voila thats where ADD comes in.
  Commitmnet is so vital in todays world. Every where i go there is a demand for commitmnet. From contracts for work to marriage, to relationships. We get married to soldify the commitment that we have taken and yet in a time where commitment is asked from each one of us there are many of us who still fear it and dread the 'C' word. Ever wonder why??

Penance, is it necessary?? Do we have to repay for our sins? Is there an accountant up there watching over us, having a tally of all our acts and adjusting his books according to each of our acts-may it be a sin or a virtue.

A father ashamed of his bastard child who never accepts the child loses al his other children and when he turns to his own kin and is refused is that correct?  Is it because he has to pay for his sins, or is it just that way!

I wonder and question this all the time; aren’t we told God is all forgiving and mighty? If so shouldn’t he just accept us with arms wide open? But then it strikes me penance isn’t for God, but for the people we have hurt intentionally. The hurt may have been physical, mental or emotional but one and all have to undergo the act of penance.

Penance doesn’t fix our wrongs but it gives the people we have hurt closure, the ability to forgive us, to let go of the fear, hatred, and animosity and believe once again.

Penance is both a selfish as well as a selfless act. We repent so people who have been hurt by us forgive us and let go of the negative feelings they owe towards us and is a selfless act because we help the other in having faith once again! It enables the person to believe in others, to believe in themselves and to believe in their faith!

 After sleep deprivation(slept at 2.30 and woke up at 6) and physical exhaustion due to karate class i went to college as we had lectures. With none of my pals to sit with, i sat alone in my corner and tried to listen to my somewhat cute professor  teaching us some nonsense about editing. In a class of 20 i felt i was alone, as if marooned on an island with strange specimens around me! i was then subjected to more torture when i was made to sit and watch pulp fiction. Yes, i do know that its a great film but not when you are tired and sleepy and all you need is your comfy bed with your pooh blanket covered right over your head. the movie rolls and my eyes tend to falter and enter the world of beds all around me comforting me and inviting me to sleep upon when i hear, the lines which woke me up, which got me back from la-la land."You know there is something special when you can share comfortable silence". the lines zapped the sleep out of me, and trasnported me into the past, into moments of comfortable silence of my own with a freind of mine. these moments were not few and far apart, instead they were quite often as we didnt have to speak bullshit, after all these times which we had were precious as he was busy with something or someone always! I don't know, but with him, silence was even more comforting than talk at any level. maybe it was his talent to put me at ease with all the silence but with him i felt at peace, i felt good, i felt calm and happy. With him and the silence i shared with him, i was me, no put ons, no masks, both were who we were, one a punk ididot who was aggressive like a bitch and another a silent type with his own abiltiy to make me laugh. with him, the punk idiot was more less of a idiot and more of a smart one! Imagine , all this i shared with someone whom i hardly ever spoke to, cause our time went by in silence which we dwelled in and were cozy and bundled up in!

 Thank you for those moments of peace because i have shared that with no one but you!  

Its this quality i imbibe in myself... I always wonder whether am i just drifting or am i making a mark in society or even to a person. The whole idea of just being a drifter doesn't appeal to me so much, i wonder why though! Coz when you see it from my angle you never have to work, you are always a mile apart from people emotionally making yourself almost difficult to hurt and doing your thing till you feel like. But then on the other hand as i said before for me drifting isnt appealing. I always have liked the fact that i have an aim or a purpose. For me work, even though i complain about it shapes me to be a better person, showing me the value of responsibilty and hardwork. People, freinds and family are what completes me, i cant live alone, and sometimes life's greatest lessons are learnt when you are hurting. Isnt is true, that while learning how to ride a bike, the number of scrapes on your body tells you how good you are, well i beleive the same way, coz when people you love hurt you, you learn. And if i have to do what i like to do when do i learn the prized abiltiy of being compromising hence making me less stubborn and easy to be with!!

   That's why i do feel, for me personally drifting aint the way, coz at the end of it all when we are nothing but ashes and soil we will be remebered by the mark we made on people and went!!!

Drip, Drip, Drip!! the drops of water fell from above slowly but continuously. Standing there if you looked heaven wards you could feel like a rhythm was building. the rhythm of rain falling on the ground was unlike any sound ever heard before. The rhythm made me hum a little tune but if you asked me right now to hum the same thing it would not be possible. Felt like the drops of rain inspired my humming and the tune. A drop fell on my eye and then rolled down my cheek and by the time it came to my neck it dispappeared. The feeling of the drop on my skin was exciting because of the warmth i felt. It was a feeling which i had never expereinced. An expereince i could never forget. The drop of rain made my blues run away. I held my head high, waiting for another drop to fall and then plop another one fell. the feeling was the same as the previous one. My face got wet with all the drops of water falling from above and it made me feel like i was drifting away from my body and from above where i was afloat i looked down at myself and saw the real me! ME, as me could be. The smile was wide, the face looked contented and my body moved in sync with the same rhythm that the rain made as it fell to the ground. My life felt brilliant from where i stood and my heart fluttered. I was happy that it rained, i was happy that i looked and felt happy. Today i didnt feel like asking questions and my reflection stood in front of me true and honest. I walked away from the rain to my destination and realised that my destination was reached but my journey was still to be completed and there was meaning to what i say