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3月6日 My great love I don't know what it is about Mumbai!! she draws me in and i get sucked in. her allure is irresistible. It calls out to people, it draws hordes from every nook and cranny. that's Mumbai for you. Look at the night sky and you might not get to see the bright stars due to the smog but you still love the sky. It provides you a sense of belonging. the roads are always logged, crammed, cars honk everywhere, the noise is deafening but you yearn for it, when you don't hear it. The noise is integral to life for a bombayite. houses are shrinking, people living in matchboxes. The roads and pavements have become the whole new way of living, walking might lead to you prodding on some belongings, making you almost twinkle toes!! We live by the mantra "survival of the fittest", yet we are ready to help anytime, anyplace!! You may crib, may cry, yell or shout but Mumbai makes you fall in love. People believe that you get only one 'great love' that shakes you, changes you. I have got my great love and its right here- Mumbai!! As Peggy Lee sings "you give me fever!" Mumbai you surely do!! 3月3日 Nightmarish... Its dark outside, its even darker inside. We sit together in the room while silence looms over us. We can hear both our hearts pounding hard. yours a steady beat, whilst mine a quick hurried beat. The calmness is antithetical to what is happening to me. The room feels even darker, a little more silent. I feel like screaming, just to spoil the stillness, but no voice come out. its all bottled up and my mouth opens but the sound wont come out. I panic even more but the panic just makes me more restless. The room grows closer to me. I feel trapped, nowhere to go, noone to save me. You sit there calm and still, almost dead. Eyes shut, you look serene but I cant do anything. The pounding becomes harder. Almost like my heart wants to tear away at the skin and see the light of day. its struggling with my my body to see light and i feel queasy. slowly the air begins to thin, i feel breathless, even more sick han i was. My mind starts to swoon and i see uneasily now. slowly things revolve till the time i pass out.
Next morning i wake up only to see, am back in the comfort of my own bed, comfort of your arms. noise makes me feel better and i realize it was all but a dream, a nightmare, to say so!!!!
i realise life is so, with its dreams and its nightmares but the good thing is that nightmares end as soon as the eyes open and look rather than merely see. So look because it wont be as nightmarish as you would think it to be. 1月27日 Women -Goddesses or VictimsA few men calling themselves the "ram sena" entered a pub in Mangalore and beat up women. Reason: We want to teach them that their being at a pub is wrong and their actions at the pub are a blot on the 'Indian' woman. This disturbs me, that a group of forty men beat and molested women because according to their orthodox and stinking attitude few innocent women had to endure a trauma that they will never forget. In addtion, the other men at the pub took no action, instead they crossed their arms over and stood being mere spectators. Alone, a twenty year old boy came to their aid. The president of the "Ram Sena" has nothing to say except that small incidents should not be blown out of proportion and such incidents keep occuring. I wonder, what have we achieved? What do we have to show for ourselves and what do we leave behind for the next generation. Women going to pubs are a blot on womanhood. I wonder isnt hitting women more of a blot on manhood and also isnt men suppose to have taken action when women were dragged out and pulled by their hair and beaten and molested. Such men, should be punished, made to stand in a line so that other women and slap them across their face. My blood boils and i feel angst, great angst!!! 12月5日 MISSINGI MISS YOU!!! - dedicated to a friend who doesn't acknowledge my presence anymore. Its painful, he's mean but i still miss him..... 11月30日 BotherI am broken. My soul is weighed down. I feel scared, helpless, vulnerable. But you don't need to bother. You have never bothered. You care about yourself, about your image, about your soul. I don't need you, i will march forward and once i go ahead i will never need you. You are not my support, instead you have become a liability. You are now just a body, something i need to protest against. i believed in you, so you fed me shit to digest, but I cant take anymore, so i will protest. Because of you, my belief is dead, just a zombie roaming the streets. My memories buried deep within me, but i shall rise you don't need to bother, i will move forward, without you. This post is dedicated to the government of Maharashtra, in the wake of the recent terror attack. We don't need you, because you haven't helped us, instead we have helped ourselves. You have become a liability rather than an asset and you really don't need to bother anymore. Nightmares.......I shut my eyes to sleep.My body felt tired. My soul was burdened with many feelings. I laid my head on the pillow and tried to forget all around me. My body made contact with the soft fabric of the bed sheet, my head rested on the pillow, i felt safe under the covers. I closed my eyes to fall in deep slumber, but images drew out in front of my eyes. The images were vivid. Every detail was clear. Tall buildings, with people at the windows waving at me. I wave back but their waves become more frantic and only then do i realize that the waves are people pleading for help. There are tears in their eyes, they are begging mercilessly for someone to rescue them. in other rooms, i see dead bodies strewn around. Some are men, while others are women. They lie as if they are broken dolls, their faces expressionless but eyes with fear filled in them. i hear shots, small and big explosions. the small ones make me jump in my seat, the noises make my soul jump out of my body. Along with the explosions, i hear the voices of people, many cry whilst others scream. Their screams so loud that my ears ache. I look around and i realize that am not external to all this and am in the midst of all this chaos. Women around me are crying while some have lost the pinkness of their cheeks. I cant take it anymore and i open my eyes. my pillow is wet, my face is stained. i have cried and i am glad that i am awake so that the nightmares stop. I step out to my window and i see that the nightmare in my head is the reality outside. 11月25日 Words StingWhen i was small, and mighty tender, you took my hand, and held it tight but yet in a caring way and you made me a promise that you would never let that hand go. You promised to be patient with me, loving, and understanding. I loved you wholly, with no conditions and praised you and you were my hero. For me, there was no one like you, you were that special! Today, after 20 years, the promise has been broken. i was a slow learner, you became impatient, angry, it showed on your face. The disappointment on your face brought tears in my eyes but i dint let them roll down my cheeks. Your promise to me of being loving is still intact but the patience for me has vanished. You let my hand go and tell me "I cant do this anymore. I am growing old and weary with you. I have to let you go." It must have hurt you to let me go i hope and wish so but the words you said to me, stung my eyes and i couldn't believe you would let go so easily. I wanted you to be my side, to hold my hand forever but maybe it was not meant to be or maybe you never meant to keep your promise to an infant like me. 11月21日 This is me... NowThen: I was young, gullible, fun and always the over enthusiastic kid. Participated in every event, from dance to drama. I was always smiling even when i was sad, i appeared happy. i was a crowd puller, exuberance was my middle name, the first being zealous. Nothing was wrong and even if it was it was always trivial and minuscule to the bigger picture-Life. Every girl in school knew me, but most of all i was liked by many others too. I dont mean to sound stupid or vane but even without people around me my imagination went wild keeping me company, me playing games in my head, drawing images and situations which i wanted to live out. I was self sufficient- i was my own best friend and yet i had several other friends too. Cut to the present Now: Am 21, supposed to be elder, wiser and smarter. Am now supposed to have answers to many things instead a thousand question whir in and out of my head. Confusion is now my middle name along with bored too. Today, my friends have become so important to me that they are my bane of existence, almost. the wisdom instead of making things simpler and easier make it more difficult. Friends are no longer the same, no longer gullible, but more cynical, making me look at everything with a suspicious eye. Every problem trivial as it may be is now a big problem, making me lose the bigger perspective. Colourful images in my head have turned to mopy situations with several other negative feelings seeping in making my red, blue and multi-coloured dreams and images a more staid image of only black, with few specks of grey. But, i guess, it happens with age and as i grow up theses images in my head disappear and change further but till then, i live with me and love me!! 11月20日 Nananaaa!!!Right now, Am siting in front of a screen, waiting for enlightenment and all i can think of is you. So may be next time you'll think before you cheat because the next time it wont be on me!! 11月11日 PromisesBarack Obama recently was elected as the 44th President of the United States Of America. He goes down in the pages of history as the first african-american man to be elected to the White House. He won by a landslide majority, displaying how powerful his propaganda and how people actually believed in his campaign and his election promises. this leads to the question which haunts me, are promises fulfilled? The proof stands before us. Barack Obama won and people beleive him because the american public beleived that he would fulfil his promise of CHANGE. Change in America, Change in the world. However, what we now have to sit ad see what changes do take place and are they beneficial or detrimental. Coming back to point of fulfillment of promises, we all make promises of various types to various people in our lives and at different stages of our life. Some are big and some are trivial but the fact still remains that promises are not always fulfilled. A Mother promises her child that she will be loved and protected from the badness yet, as she grows into a young adult she realises the ugliness and the horrible hapenings around her. She realises that life isnt all rainbows and has some horrible things. A worker promises to work hard when he is being interviewed but as soon as he gets the job, he slacks and the promise is forgotten. Then there are promises made by children. "Am sorry mommy, I promise i'll never lie." Poof thats a lie in itself and there goes the incomplete promise. If the world had a jar where incomplete promises went and got collected that jar would be full and brimming over as every moment we break a promise or keep them aside and move ahead in life. What has to be remembered is that the best way to move forward is not to make promises as they cant be completed and hurt when left incomplete, so dont make promises. dont promise to love someone forever because a lot can change, dont promise to change, because change is difficult, dont promise to protect me and leave me stranded alone. 11月10日 'C'We are afraid. We fear, all of
us, each and single one of us fear. The point is what do we fear from and i
guess we fear from commitment. Now, commitment does not necessarily mean
commitment to a relationship but it can be anything and anyone. We are afraid
of committing ourselves. Though i wonder why? What is it about commitment that
i, as an individual or us as human beings are afraid of. Why do we run a mile
away from commitment? many things pop into my head but its all mixed up and i
think, is commitment actually so dreadful. For many of us including yours truly
commitment in a relationship is a thing we cant even imagine about. i just cant
commit to a person, however i do expect them to be committed to me. The notion
of being attached to one person scares me, its not that am a man eater on the
prowl looking for various men and it is the same situation for many men out
there, but the fear of stagnating , the fear of being tied down, of getting
bored. however, there are people who dont fear to commit to a person and a
freind of mine has been happily committed to her boyfreind for four years and
even though its not always been smooth sailing its been good for them, but for
people like her, that is my frined she ferars commitmnet to work. As i said
before commitmnet has various connotations and for many like her she just cant
work at one place for long. i think the fear of Commitment stems from attention
deficit disorder but hey, thats just me, and i know many would disagree with me
but hear me out. We dont commit becasue we are afraid of being tied to one
place or person and we get restless and we lose attention and voila thats where
ADD comes in. 8月23日 CrapI feel so crappy! its been so long since i have written and i yearn to write, so much inside me i need to write about, but it seems to me like i run out of time everyday!!! its sad, that i cant find time but what can i do, so many things and so little time.... 6月16日 RepentancePenance, is it necessary?? Do we have to repay for our sins? Is there an accountant up there watching over us, having a tally of all our acts and adjusting his books according to each of our acts-may it be a sin or a virtue. A father ashamed of his bastard child who never accepts the child loses al his other children and when he turns to his own kin and is refused is that correct? Is it because he has to pay for his sins, or is it just that way! I wonder and question this all the time; aren’t we told God is all forgiving and mighty? If so shouldn’t he just accept us with arms wide open? But then it strikes me penance isn’t for God, but for the people we have hurt intentionally. The hurt may have been physical, mental or emotional but one and all have to undergo the act of penance. Penance doesn’t fix our wrongs but it gives the people we have hurt closure, the ability to forgive us, to let go of the fear, hatred, and animosity and believe once again. Penance is both a selfish as well as a selfless act. We repent so people who have been hurt by us forgive us and let go of the negative feelings they owe towards us and is a selfless act because we help the other in having faith once again! It enables the person to believe in others, to believe in themselves and to believe in their faith! 4月30日 LonesomeI was high, he was sober! He supported me all the way to my place! Carried me and placed me on the bed. I could feel him breathing, his warm breath on my neck. The warmth made my skin tingle. He held me close to him and I could feel his heart heaving agaisnt my chest. I felt protected, cared with his arms around me! Nothing could hurt me, he was my protector! He lay me on my bed gently and covered me! While walking away he kissed me on my forehead, the gentlest kiss, a friend showing me he cared! I could smell his tobacco smell on me, for the first time I liked what i smelt. He just walked away and i slept calmly!
Next morning i woke up and I called him. "Hi", i said. " Err, this is not a good time", he said. I heard a voice in the background, a muffle but it was audible to me. "
C'mon honey", i heard a voice say from the back. It was another woman, I simply hung up and walked to my bathroom and washed myself off. I didnt want to smell of him. I knew he was a freind but I was hurt!
Walked out off my home and kept walking till i could and then just sat on the bench! People passed by me, lovers, freinds, siblings, parents, mothers and fathers. They were all a blur, i was alone among the hordes of people! 3月12日 Yaynesss!!!!!!HAPPINESS is Happening!! Rolling stone is finally here in India!! For a girl who grew up with music Rolling Stone is the bible and now suddenly i feel like 'Moses armed with the 10 Commandments!!!
WOHOOOOOO!!!!!! 3月7日 Lenny Kravitz!!!I don't know what has happened, but all of a sudden i see Lenny Kravitz in a completely new light! I always considered him as a good singer, but not something i could ever get hooked on, but it has happened! i have crossed over to the dark side or in this case, the 'Lenny' side! This dude, is just not super hot but he has the vocals to back up that sexy sizzling body of his. Now am sorry for all those who are reading this and seeing me drool over a guy, but c'mon he's hot!! His sweet voice turns me to a small child blushing and the lyrics make me feel like am in seventh heaven! So for those who haven't heard of the 'Sex god' you suck! well guys there's one thing u should know, if you were anything like him you would get some hot women for instance Nicole Kidman! anyway, me going back to listening to his new album " Its time for a love revolution" whereas you guys go back to keep sucking!!!!
2月18日 Survival.(easy, isnt it, living is difficult) Your every lie is a punch to my face. "I like you" a punch to my face breaking my nose. It hurts, blood spurts out yet i stand up, clean my face and come to you. "I don't lie to you" another punch to my face breaking my nose once more. It hurts further more but I don't fight back. "I want nothing from you, except your trust". Punched again i look silly to the world but yet i walk back to you with open arms. " I only love you". the final blow to my face blinding me with the blood everywhere. But wait, the blindness caused by you has opened my eyes to reality. Balls, you ever liked me let alone love me! I can't take it anymore and this time i stand and instead of walking to you i punch you back and walk away. The punch felt good, exhilirating actually. You may think you broke me but all you have broken is my nose, my faith in people is not shattered, my spirit is stronger and my resolve firmer. Thank you, i no longer look at life from the rose tinted glasses you made me wear and i roll with the punches today!!!!!! 1月30日 Transformation failed!We had, had the perfect night. Good food, drink, conversation which is so rare to find today and in all totality the night was good. So, being the impulsive person that i am , i said lets take this goodness forward and invited him upto my apartment for drinks and better conversation. Time moved so quickly and we moved closer with each second of the clock till we were together. We ended the night on a good, note, a kiss, a gentle one. The next morning, i woke up with a stupid smile on my face. Went to the front door, to get my paper, when i saw a single long stem red rose and a card beside it. I picked it up and came in to read the card which read as "the perfect night with the perfect person." I couldnt stop smiling, because this was so corny and so mushy which was so unlike me, the practical, no-nonsense and non romantic person.
I thought the whole situation was funny because this guy tried to change my mind with a single red rose!
But got to say, it was a good effort however one which failed, because the rose was in my dustbin the next moment and me in the shower thinking of my next night's plans with freinds! 1月6日 Shared silences
After sleep deprivation(slept at 2.30 and woke up at 6) and physical exhaustion due to karate class i went to college as we had lectures. With none of my pals to sit with, i sat alone in my corner and tried to listen to my somewhat cute professor teaching us some nonsense about editing. In a class of 20 i felt i was alone, as if marooned on an island with strange specimens around me! i was then subjected to more torture when i was made to sit and watch pulp fiction. Yes, i do know that its a great film but not when you are tired and sleepy and all you need is your comfy bed with your pooh blanket covered right over your head. the movie rolls and my eyes tend to falter and enter the world of beds all around me comforting me and inviting me to sleep upon when i hear, the lines which woke me up, which got me back from la-la land."You know there is something special when you can share comfortable silence". the lines zapped the sleep out of me, and trasnported me into the past, into moments of comfortable silence of my own with a freind of mine. these moments were not few and far apart, instead they were quite often as we didnt have to speak bullshit, after all these times which we had were precious as he was busy with something or someone always! I don't know, but with him, silence was even more comforting than talk at any level. maybe it was his talent to put me at ease with all the silence but with him i felt at peace, i felt good, i felt calm and happy. With him and the silence i shared with him, i was me, no put ons, no masks, both were who we were, one a punk ididot who was aggressive like a bitch and another a silent type with his own abiltiy to make me laugh. with him, the punk idiot was more less of a idiot and more of a smart one! Imagine , all this i shared with someone whom i hardly ever spoke to, cause our time went by in silence which we dwelled in and were cozy and bundled up in! Thank you for those moments of peace because i have shared that with no one but you! 1月1日 The new yearSo with the advent of the new year i have decided to make some ammends in my life. They aren't resolutions coz i dont beleive in promises made to anyone including myself. So i have decided that because people keep saying i am bitchy i will turn over a new leaf and become even bitchier than before!:-) Secondly, i am going to try to weed out the drama from my life, as it leads to nothing constructive at all! So for this year, stay away from drama queens and kings and be bitchier than before to give people a better reason to speak about you!!! |
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